Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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