I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
