I puked a lego.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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