I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My balls are so social today.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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