Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I cut my penus on the lid.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
