Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
