Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
