remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
