I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
