Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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