There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
