If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
