Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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