Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
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I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
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Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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