I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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