He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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