I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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