She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
