If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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