You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
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I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
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I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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