you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
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Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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