mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
