apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
