my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Randomize
