guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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