Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's just like the Real World with babies
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
