i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
