im about as happy as oj after his trial
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
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We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
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Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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