already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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