Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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