Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
