sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
