it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
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