He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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