As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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