The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I love you. Go after that dick
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
