He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
