There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
