It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
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could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
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I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.