Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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