She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
