All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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