the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
