that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
