3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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