If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
