i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You ate ashes out of my bong
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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