if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
