I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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