she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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