dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
me + whiskey = a bad person
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
