first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
