Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i believe in u and ur pee
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
