Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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